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Yesterday we announced our multi-part world-exclusive inside look at “Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes” — the quartet of part man, part ape creatures that everyone’s been talking about. CIA officials advised me to start by sitting down with Sergei — the oldest and most even-tempered of the four man-apes. With his extensive debriefing complete, Sergei recently relocated to downtown Denver, where he set up house in a stylish duplex with his handler, Nikolai Novikov. I met with Sergei and Nikolai last Monday, over a brunch of waffles, berries, and some kind of small, hard nut.
Sergei: The Oldest and Most Even-Tempered Man-Ape

CV: Sergei — thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.
Sergei: Is great pleasure, Cecil.
CV: You know, this is CecilVortex.com’s first ever world-exclusive.
Sergei: Da.
CV: I’m very excited about it.
Sergei: Da. Da.
Nikolai: Cecil, are you OK?
CV: Oh yeah — I’m fine. Just excited.
Nikolai: You are sweating so much — like Albert Brooks in that movie.
Sergei: Broadcast News.
CV: I’m OK. It’s just a little warm in here. If we could open a window?
Sergei: Here you go.
CV: Thanks Sergei. So, can I ask — how do you feel about the label you and your fellow man-apes were given — “Stalin’s Sexy Man Apes”? Is it hard to live up to that billing?
Sergei: No, is easy. I am sexy all the time.
CV: You know, when I told people I was doing this interview, they all wanted me to ask the same question — whether the ape part of you is a “lesser ape,” from the Hylobatidae family, or a “greater ape” from the Hominidae family.
Nikolai: Cecil, I’m not sure if —
Sergei: [unintelligible grunting noise]
CV: Well, it’s just that, from what I understand, the “lesser apes” —
Sergei: [louder unintelligible grunting noise]
Nikolai: You really should change the subject.
CV: OK. Um…
Nikolai: Ask him about TV. He loves to watch TV.
CV: Sergei, have you been watching much TV?
Sergei: [quieter unintelligible grunting noise] Da.
Cecil: Anything in particular?
Sergei: Well, Sergei love “Project Runway.” The sexy fashion.
Cecil: Oh yeah, me too.
Sergei: Sergei like to see them make dresses out of garbage!
CV: Do you have a favorite contestant?
Nikolai: I like Uli.
Sergei: Sergei just happy Vincent gone. Vincent make Sergei uncomfortable.
CV: Well, I think it just goes to show you.
Nikolai: What?
CV: Whether you’re a man-ape from the former Soviet Union, or a homo sapien from the USA, pretty much everybody thinks Vincent is creepy.
Sergei: Da.
Nikolai: Da.
Cecil: Thanks very much for your time, both of you.
Sergei: Do svidaniya, Cecil.
Cecil: Do svidaniya.
Tuesday: Ivan!

In the mid-1920s a team of Soviet scientists led by a soft-spoken man named Ilya Ivanov began work on a secret project aimed at developing an army of ape-human hybrids. Picture a squad of these creatures attacking Berlin. Joseph Stalin did. “I want a new invincible human being,” Stalin was reported to have instructed the young Ivanov. “Insensitive to pain. Resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat. Hairy, with sort of a monkey-type look.”
Under rising budget pressures, the Reds finally abandoned their efforts in the 1980s. But not before producing a tribe of eleven so-called “man-apes,” kept under close guard in a secure prison at the base of the Ural Mountains.
Last December the story made international headlines when of these four man-apes stunned the world — executing a daring escape and destroying their guards, the labs, and the rest of the man-ape tribe in the process! The cunning quartet made their way across the Urals to Western Europe where they requested and received political asylum from the U.S. embassy in Frankfurt.
Little else was known regarding the details of their escape, although one tantalizing rumor did surface — that these were four unusually attractive man-apes, and that they’d used their good looks to somehow distract their captors. Predictably, the British tabloids leapt on this choice tidbit, dubbing them “Stalin’s Sexy Man Apes.” And the label stuck.
Until today, that was all we knew. “Stalin’s Sexy and Enigmatic Man-Apes,” you might say. But that changes this week, as cecilvortex.com proudly unveils an exclusive intimate peek inside the hearts and minds of Sergei, Ivan, Dmitri, and “little Ivan.”
You can call them man-apes. You can call them sexy. We call them fascinating.
Tomorrow: Sergei!