They Can’t All Be Winners

If you find yourself
stepping on the scale after peeing
well,
that’s not a good sign.

“Vegans?
40 vegans?!
Look, no offense vegans — I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. But this is total bullshit.”

Had a vegan chocolate chip cookie at lunch today
and it was delicious, you know? But I felt kind of guilty.
About all those vegans.

When it's all clouded over
thick, sheep's belly wool
blocking out stars and sky
you have to think:
Shit!
We're screwed!

  Now we'll never see the aliens
when they
come to eat our
brains out.

He had a Mickey Mouse hat
and a Donald Duck shirt
and a nose that was just
and a nose that was just
and a nose that was just
plain goofy.

Here’s something you don’t hear often enough at award shows: “I want to shout out to all my poops.”