This one’s for the ladies

As a married guy, a lot of my female friends and acquaintances have been asking me for years to tell them how to snag a fella — to reveal the big secret of exactly what it is that men like. And until now, I’ve always said “I shant.”
But then recently, I saw the movie “An Inconvenient Truth,” and it got me thinking. Who knows how much longer we have on this shimmering blue-green marble orb? And if the world were in fact to end tomorrow, and I never revealed to women how to snag a fella, how lame would that be?
So, OK. With a tip of the hat to Al Gore, here goes:
There are basically two kinds of guy. The first kind wants to be treated like a baby. I call them “baby men.” Baby men like it when you let them sort of lurch around and put their hands on everything. They leave fingerprints on your walls. And they’ll eat whatever you put in front of them, so long as you puree it.
The second kind of guy — I call them “old grandpas” — wants to be treated like an old person. Old grandpas like it when you talk really loudly at them. They say things like “I have the right to drive in front of you,” and they’re very precise about their schedules.
Alright, you’re thinking, that sounds pretty straightforward. But what about when you can’t tell which kind of guy you’re dating? Sometimes it’s not so obvious, and the stakes can be very high. For example, if you talk loudly at a baby man, he might make doody.
Fortunately, there’s one thing every guy likes, whether he be a baby man from Mumbai or an old grandpa from Galveston. And that’s the big secret I’m now about to reveal.
Guys like it when you give them money. At the end of your second date, give your guy a dollar. Not change — men don’t like the metal clangy sound coins make. It makes them anxious.
Give your guy a paper dollar, and then sit back and watch him fall head over heels. A dollar is light, yet strong. Fibrous, yet flexible. To a guy, giving him a paper dollar is like saying “I respect you. And I value your time. And I’m going to show you how I feel by giving you this paper dollar.”
And there’s nothing a man likes more than that.

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