Last week we proudly launched our exclusive look at Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes — the enigmatic ape/human hybrids who’ve set tongues a-wagging from Manhattan to Monaco. Our first stop was Denver, for some q-time with Sergei. Next up: Louisville, Kentucky to meet Ivan, widely rumored to be the sexiest of the four Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes. This made me nervous — after all, there’s such a thing as too sexy. But Ivan quickly put me at ease.
At his side was Svetlana Stepanova, a 6 foot 5 platinum blond who’s both Ivan’s handler and his business partner. Shortly after Ivan’s release from the Office of Man-Ape Debriefing, the pair purchase a promising thoroughbred. Now they spend day and night together, training their horse for the Kentucky Derby. It’s a busy life, but they graciously made time to meet me at a cafe down by the track, where we sipped Mint Juleps and talked about horse names.
Ivan: The Sexiest of the Four ‘Stalin’s Sexy Man-Apes’
CV: Wow, you really are quite sexy.
Ivan: Yes. Thank you.
CV: I mean, not just the way you look. Even how you smell.
Ivan: Yes.
CV: You even, uh, you even smell sexy.
Ivan: You said this already.
Svetlana: Ha! Does my Ivan leave you flustered?
CV: No, I, er…
Svetlana: He does!
CV: So Ivan, why horses?
Ivan: Well, since was baby man-ape, Ivan dream of going to world-famous “Churchill Downs” for drinking of “Mint Juleps.” Is home. Ivan finally find home.
CV: Tell me how you chose the name for your horse.
Ivan: Ivan name horsie “Sergei Is Lesser Ape.” At first, was going to name horsie “PS I Love You (Pony).” Or maybe “I Have the Trotskys.” [laughs]
Svetlana: I wanted “St. Petersburgh Surprise Packet.”
Ivan: Then “Little Ivan, ” he say: “You should name horsie ‘Sergei Is Lesser Ape.'” And I say: “OK! Let’s do it! ” Because Ivan want to show world he can be sexy and funny and man-ape.
Svetlana: And you showed them, darling, you showed them all!
Ivan: [roars]
Svetlana: [roars]
CV: That’s a great story.
Ivan: Thank you.
Svetlana: [roars]
Ivan: “Little Ivan” is funny man-ape too. Just not so sexy. You meet him, yes?
CV: Later this week.
Ivan: You will see. Not so sexy.
Svetlana: Not half as sexy as my Ivan.
CV: Svetlana, I’ve been meaning to ask —
Svetlana: What?
CV: Well, it’s just, you two seem pretty close. For a human and a man-ape.
Svetlana: You’re not judging us are you? Don’t judge us.
Ivan: Cecil, are you judging?
CV: I’m not judging. I was just asking.
Svetlana: You know what, darling? I think Cecil likes you.
CV: I don’t.
Svetlana: I think he’s jealous.
CV: I’m not.
Ivan: Look — you are right! He is blushing like some kind of red veg-e-table!
Svetlana: Like a tomato!
Ivan: Sorry blog-man. You are not my type! [laughs]
Svetlana: Are you OK Cecil? Do you need a paper towel?
CV: I’m fine. I just sweat a lot.
Ivan: Your whole head is wet all of sudden.
Svetlana: Have you talked to a doctor?
Ivan: Ivan get paper towel.
CV: OK. Well, thanks so much to both of you for your time.
Next: Dmitri!
"…something like the supervisor of an entire team of political agents…"
What, no picture of Svetlana?
She kept roaring at me. I was scared.
-Cecil
sergei was hot, but ivan’s a long cool drink of sexy sophistication. thanks for the interview, blog-man.
Oh, great. Two man-ape interviews, two instances of Cecilsweat. Maybe the Republicans are right, the Internet does need more regulation.
RaptorMage: actually, the Republicans are literally regulating me to do these interviews. Just another example of their outrageous abuse of power.
The sweat is my fault.
-Cecil
I’m thinking that Ivan is the perfect James Bond.
so very very true barbara. in fact, if someone doesn’t pick up all four sexy fellows for a kind of charlie’s-angels-style thriller-adventure extravaganza immediately, well someone’s just not pulling their weight and should be escorted to the door by security without so much as their coffee cup so that someone else with a clue can pitch this blockbuster. i’m already standing in line for my ticket.