Over the holidays, my family converted to one of those new religions you’ve been reading so much about on MySpace and Google. We chose the “Cheese Promise Keepers,” a group that restores the authority over all family cheese decisions to the man of the house. While the “Cheese Promise Keepers” may not be for everyone, we’ve found a lot of joy in their teachings, and I wanted to take a minute to share the good news in case they might be a good fit for you too.
Here’s how it works: if my wife or one of our kids wants to have some cheese, they’ll turn to me and say “should I have this cheese?” and I’ll say “yes” or “no” depending on my sense of what would be best for the family.
Sometimes they won’t be in the mood for cheese, and I’ll say “try some cheese with that.” Or if they’re having Swiss cheese, I might say “how about some Gouda instead? It’s Dutch.”
While these probably sound like suggestions, they’re really more like commandments. As in: “thou shalt have some Gouda instead!”
My family appreciates the fact that the “Cheese Promise Keepers” have taken all the pressure out of their cheese-related decisions. And I like the fact that they’ve made me feel more like a true man.
Before the “Cheese Promise Keepers,” cheese used to play a disproprtionately large role in our family dynamics. There were arguments over cheese. Slap fights. But now we’re putting people first, instead of putting cheese first. And isn’t that the way things ought to be? After all, in the Bible it says that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and edam.
"…something like the supervisor of an entire team of political agents…"
Truly hilarious. Vacation treated you well, Cecil. Melty brie all around.
Listen, welcome, I have been a follower of American Cheese since i was young, it is a beautiful religion and we welcome you and you family. Only thing, when the kids have an accident in the car or on the potty, do not yell ” Holy Parmesan!”, it can get confusing at times though.
Gospel Green
That’s funny–in our family we have the exact same religion. Only instead of cheese it’s beer, and I have all the decision-making power.
You know, Cecil, I have a feeling that the “Regrets” poem you just posted (7/17) might be related to this. I say that as someone who also likes cheese more than it likes me.
Dumpster: Like me, you might particularly enjoy our updated Book of Job, which is all about the many ways Job’s late-blooming lactose intolerance tested his faith.
-Cecil