Category: Published

The New Ralph Macchio

People have been wondering for some time now who the new Ralph Macchio will be. They say: “Who?” Well, I have the answer, and I’m going to share it. But I think it will come as a big surprise, so…

Graze

The horses are grazing over at the World Trade Center. Tourists form a wide circle around the field translating plaques out loud to each other looking down at the grass-covered pit before strolling over to the local Fire Department where…

Circus Ghosts

Most people don’t like ghosts. But everybody loves circus ghosts. Circus ghosts may not remember who they were in the real world or what kind of car they drove. But they remember their tricks. They say: “Watch me juggle. I…

Welcome

Welcome to the Golden Age of me flossing my teeth. An upgraded Age of Reason and now even the common man understands that the pale dots on my bathroom mirror are just pale dots and not some grim portent. At…

Hi

Sometimes when people walk by I go to say “hi” to them but nothing comes out, I just open and shut my mouth with a dry whisper and I think: I must look like a lizard to them, like a…

Shaved My Beard

I shaved my beard today so, hopefully, we can put our feud aside. You thought I was making fun of the ’70s, but I wasn’t. I love the ’70s. That’s why I wore the beard in the first place. Can’t…

It’s OK

This couple had a fight at the bar tonight about 10 feet from my knees. At the beginning, he was saying he really didn’t do “Graphic User Interface design” any more — he was doing “Information Architecture.” And then they…

Righteous, Stressed-Out Daddy-o

“Hey Potty-Mouth! Like, stop expanding my toddler’s vocabulary.” shouts my inner, angry uptight beatnik to this guy sitting two rows back. And I toss an espresso over one shoulder into the eyes of this small-smiling fuck. I maim him with…

Office Life

It’s not natural — how still we sit hands hooked over keys, fingers curled in arthritic crunch, Blinking at black and white characters. Blink tap. Blink tap. You take an ape. You want it to sit that still, that long.…

Crispy yum yum child of God

The cinnamon chicken slid off the car roof. Gourmet exploding. Big messy boom. Plate shards, scattered like shark teeth. Chicken shards, scattered like chicken. On the driveway. In the lawn. And jeez: what a strange fate for this lightly basted…